[portland-list] do not divorce your parakeet yet

Jacob Ostrum jacob.ostrum at gmail.com
Fri Sep 10 16:30:24 PDT 2010

Well said. This should be made into a published zine that gets handed to
everyone on the way out.
Mandatory reading. Thanks AM

On Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 4:20 PM, Albert Kaufman <albertkaufman at gmail.com>wrote:

> An important public service announcement from Mlle via the Colonel
> from Arctic Monkey on the NY Burners guide:
> ====================================
> > The Arctic Monkey's Post-Playa Decompression Guide
> >
> > In the interest of helping give a concise, helpful, guided re-entry
> > into civilization after being at Burning Man, I wrote down a series of
> > rules for Radical Re-Entry. After seeing four email threads flare up
> > and two potential life-changing events start up with various friends
> > over the years, here's the short version:
> >
> > Monkey Re-Entry Rule Number 1:
> > Wait three weeks before you make any life-changing decisions.
> >
> > But let me change that up a bit so it makes more sense.
> >
> > When returning from the playa, you will be hot, dusty, tired,
> > exhausted. Your body will have undergone immense stress, and if you
> > live in a vastly different environment, your body will likely react by
> > getting a cold (especially if you kissed anyone at the Space Froggie
> > Free Kissing Booth).
> >
> > Step 1. Take a shower, hippie. Shave, shower, steam everything off.
> > Take two. Or three. Then go to sleep. You need it.
> > Step 2. Clean your gear. Wash your clothes, car, stuff, or pack it up
> > into the Burner corner of your house. Pack it away and dry it out.
> > Recycle, do your garbage, and wash your dishes. Get it put away.
> > Step 3. Breathe. Go through all your Burner stuff from this year, sort
> > and organize, and then happily stash it away for good memories for
> > later.
> >
> > Now that your physical needs are out of the way, let's go to the mental
> > needs.
> >
> >
> > Yes, it was! Wow. Did you see that one guy with the thing? Those two
> > girls? That...why are you looking at me like that? I'm just trying to
> > explain it to you.
> >
> > Right. The people who didn't go are going to eye you with either
> > jealousy or trepidation, and your social acceptability standards while
> > on playa are different from the real world. While you CAN expect the
> > world to change to fit the Burning Man model, it seems to work better
> > if you don't try to put your shoulder up against the wheel of the Real
> > World right away until you figure out how that whole leverage thing
> > works as more than just a metaphor. A single butterfly may make
> > changes to the world's weather, but sometimes they just get blown into
> > a bug zapper by the wind. Slow down there, Mr. Burner Evangelist.
> > You've got 360 days before you're heading back to the Awesome. Let
> > your own brain process the nifty neato cool awesome, then hand it off
> > to others.
> >
> > You just don't get it.
> >
> > Okay there, Mr Cranky McCrankerpants. Did you forget to take your
> > 5-HTP afterwards? Are you still dehydrated? Are you wondering what the
> > $3,490 charge for "snacks" might be on your visa bill? That's your own
> > stuff and it's not up to the people around you - your loved ones, your
> > hamster, your dog, your listmates, your campmates, your neighbor - to
> > make accomodations for your emotional state post-playa. That's
> > entirely your bag of playafied emotional entanglements to work
> > through. Take a few more minutes to consider what you're saying on
> > email to people. Reread, check your emotions, and maybe put down the
> > phone to keep yourself from doing irreparable harm to your
> > relationships because you didn't sleep for a week and are still seeing
> > the Sleep Deprivation Leprechauns in your dreams. Slow down. Put your
> > gear in order, wash your dishes, go for a long walk. Then go back and
> > talk to your friends. If this is directed at people you camped with or
> > your patience level is abysmally low,
> > ?maybe you should also take what we in the business call "A Chill
> > Pill" and go shut up in a dark corner with some Funyuns for a while.
> > Not bitching people out for supposed insults or slights or yelling at
> > people for their "stupidity" is a good way to keep and maintain your
> > friendships. Also, try not to play Mr. Huffy or Ms. Huffy about
> > imagined or unimagined stuff that went on or didn't go on at the event
> > that you failed to communicate and ergo, the other party SHOULD have
> > known by magically reading your mind/emotional state. You will keep
> > people from thinking you're a total whackjob and/or raging asshat who
> > can't communicate. And you may keep your friends, instead of driving
> > them before you.
> >
> > And now back to Monkey Rule Numero Uno, PERIOD. (See? I ramble, but I
> > return to the point.)
> >
> >
> > Do not quit your job. Do not divorce your wife, husband, sister, dog,
> > parakeet. Do not sell all your possessions and move to Tibet to be a
> > monk. Do not ditch your car and travel the world. Do not found Hobbit
> > Camp. Do not plan a giant zeppelin for next year's Burn. Do not move
> > out of your house, break up with your girlfriend, boyfriend, get
> > married, move in your playa lover, sell your car, ditch your friends,
> > or make other rash decisions after you come home. This is important,
> > because the playa is still going to be in your brain, and the effects
> > are like that of rareified stupid sometimes. It will make total sense
> > to have a threesome with your significant other and someone in an
> > enormous rabbit costume at the Burn; in reality the ears get caught in
> > the ceiling fan. Make sure if you have major life decisions to make,
> > you make them AFTER you settle down and settle in. The emotions and
> > the stress will still be in your system for some time; do not allow
> > them to unduly influence y
> > ?our life.
> >
> > Take some B-vitamins, some 5-htp, drink plenty of water and eat a good
> > meal or two that you cooked yourself, go to bed early and read a good
> > book. You earned it. That major life-changing decision will still be
> > there in three weeks, and if you reduce the sheer volume of stress you
> > have, it will make those decisions easier to deal with AFTER you have
> > time to put away all the other issues and emotions post-Burn.
> >
> > You might not pay any attention to this little guide, or you might
> > say, "That's for suckers! Real Burners quit their jobs and go work in
> > an iron foundry with those guys they met that one night on the playa
> > or go get married with that beautiful playa nubnub in Vegas! We don't
> > need your stinkin' recommendations, Monkey!" And you would be right
> > (and I will happily watch you run off while popping my popcorn and
> > pulling up a chair). But if you want to have an easier time recovering
> > from the playa, you might take a little time down to remember what the
> > rest of your year goes like, and adjusting your brain, your living
> > patterns, and your emotional safety nets accordingly. It really does
> > help, especially if you THINK you got all the dusty bananas out of
> > your tent before you packed it away.
> >
> > Anyway, that's it. Don't stress. Pack your stuff away, and wait three
> > weeks before making any life-changing decisions.
> > Oh, and be nice to people. At the end of three weeks, you can be a
> > jerk again if you want to.
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